I'm Doin' A Kezza.....

I've decided to call it quits.....I don't like to commit to anything for too long so I'm closing my laptop and saying goodbye. I had fun blogging for the very short time I did and if it wasn't for my ex (Muzbot) I would not have even thought of doing it. 

So that's it. Goodbye. Farewell. Au Revoir. Cya Later. TaTa. Ciao. Auf Weidersehen.

It was fun while it lasted.....

Gluckliche Tag. Jours Heureux. Giorni Felici. Dias Felices. Happy Days.....not Merry Christmas.

I don't normally "get into" the whole christmas spirit.....Bah Humbug, maybe, but I think one of the reasons is that I normally work over this period and my family are a thousand kilometers away. I also feel that Christmas is for children. When I was a kid, this time of year meant waking up extremely early and sitting around the tree waiting anxiously for Mum and Dad to wake up so I could unwrap my presents, making sure that Santa ate the snack and drank the drink you left out for him and then eating, eating and eating. Once I started to grow up, it all just became a massive expense and to be honest, a massive annoyance. I'm not a christian so any religious meaning that Christmas holds is obsolete to me but maybe one thing that does go through my mind during the "festive season" is how quickly time is flying by. Here I am, pushing 40 and I can remember clearly Christmas when I was a child. It certainly doesn't seem like it was a couple of decades ago. I also reflect on what has happened in my rather eventful life and because this year only has around a week left, I start to plan what I will do and what I want to achieve over the following 365 days. This is otherwise known as a New Years Resolution and as with alot of people, my resolutions won't be met, but it's fun to think about it anyway. One thing I do know is that I will be heading overseas. That's a certainty.

Anyway, I've been prattling on and on and on and all I really want to say is this. I hope today, along with every other day of the year is a Merry one. So think of this blog as not a greeting of Merry Christmas, but as a greeting of Happy Days. For today, tomorrow and the rest of our lives.

I Will Be Scarless. I Will Be Without Scar.....

I am now recovered. I still have the stitches but am feeling ship shape. I will admit that I am, and will be slightly disappointed because deep down I wanted to be left with a major scar. I mean, if you are going to have surgery you want a reminder of what happened.  What's the point in having surgery (or a procedure as some people like to keep reminding me) if you do not have a souvenir as a keepsake. I wanted to be able to rip my shirt off and for my people to say "OMG!! you poor thing!!! How did you survive that?", but knowing me all they would say is "OMG!!! You are so horribly disfigured!!! It's repulsive and I can no longer look at you!".

So the one time I go under the knife, I will be scarless. I will be without Scar. Maybe I should have asked for that nose job I have always wanted while I was anesthetized. 

The Devil in Disguise.....

I have held off a few days from making any type of entry on my blog because a few days ago I had the unfortunate experience of being the subject of some rather disturbing vitriol from a fellow blogger. I should add that I have never come across this "person" before. I have never read his blog. I do not know this "person" nor do I ever wish to. He shall remain nameless but "apparently" he is a christian. You will have noticed that I have put 2 words in inverted commas, those being person and apparently. The reason for this is that the disgusting, revolting and hateful language he used towards me would not come from a true god loving, life loving human, but rather an animal, therefore I feel he is neither a christian nor a person. Now I do not claim to be a christian or believe in God for that matter. I am certainly open to the idea of a god or a higher being but I am not convinced of it and I also do not hold anything against or think anything less of anybody who has a belief in a religion of any description. But what I am opposed to is when somebody tries to ram their beliefs down my throat or feel they need to "teach" me that my ways are sub-human, not normal and evil. In saying this, they are slandering me and my name. But maybe I am getting off the topic here.

I think people have the right to free speech but I also feel that if somebody is going to suggest that my father was a murderer (he was not!!!! he was an extremely loving, loyal and kind man), that I should be served karposis sarcoma for breakfast (if i did order this, then I would certainly order a side of crispy bacon with it) and that I should suffer death with blood on my head, then free speech enters into a whole different arena.

I have not responded to this "person" in any way, shape or form. I did not reply to his messages, I have not commented on his blog. This is all I am going to say:

I feel very very sorry for you and I am so bored bored bored with the crap that spews from the mouths of homophobes like yourself. You cannot change the world and homosexuality is not going away so either accept it or ignore us because we ain't goin' anywhere. And another thing, when I do go to hell, no doubt I will see you there, because you my dear dear "friend", are not a loving person but the devil in disguise.:   :):):):):)

Something so useless can be so painful.....

Wednesday night was painful. Thursday was worse and Thursday night was excruciatingly painful. And then I had my appendix out.

What started out as a slight pain in the tummy on wednesday night (here i was thinking it was indigestion), turned into a major case of appendicitis.

From what I understand, this body organ is totally useless, I mean it must be if we can live without it so how can something so bloody meaningless be so bloody painful. I dont think i have ever experienced anything like this. Now I don't mind a bit of pain but there is a time and a place and this type of pain has no time or place in my life.

So Thursday night i had a "procedure" or for somebody who has never had surgery before or been under anesthetic, a major operation :) Well, you would have thought i was about to have a major operation by how fucking nervous I was. But all is well now except for the uncomfortable feeling where the 3 incisions in my stomach are. Tiny incisions but hopefully big enough to see a scar because scars are hot!!! LOL

My plans for the next week have now been put into disarray. And do you know the thing that pisses me off the most. I will more than likely have to miss the Kylie concert on Tuesday night.......boo hoo.......

The Asteroids Galaxy Tour - Around the Bend (Official Music Video)

My favourite song of the last, well, 2 days.

My Name is scottiejt and I Have an ADDICTION.....

It is time for me to confess. I can no longer keep this to myself.......

I have been trying for so long to fight this and to rid this from my mind and my body but whenever I think of it, my heart starts to race, my head starts to swirl and no matter where I am, the feeling, the wanting, the need for it becomes all too consuming.

Every day I have it. Every day I need it. If there is a day that I don't get it I almost fall into a state of panic. It is affecting my friendships and maybe I am starting to fall in with the wrong crowd because my new "friends" are not healthy for me.

So here goes. My name is scottiejt and I am an ADDICT. Please help me rid my addiction to

Drawn to the Past.....

Why is it that I seem to be drawn to men from my past. Over the last week or so I have had contact with a man who I loved but ultimately lost, I had lunch on saturday with a man who I dated 8 years ago and I have to admit, I was slightly attracted to again. And tonight, I'm having dinner with my ex from earlier this year. Now the way I deal with breakups is this. I become bitter, swear to myself the man in question who has ruined my life (cos lets face it, the man who breaks my heart is the total arsehole because I could not have had any part in the break up what so ever ;) will never be seen or spoken of again, shed alot of tears, scream and shout and then eventually move on. In short, I become a drama queen and then it's forgotten about. Now that may not be the best way to handle it, infact, it IS NOT the best way to handle it, but it works (kinda) for me. Now lets move forward. Maybe 16 years, maybe 8 years, maybe 2 years or even maybe 2 months and all of a sudden, these men have all come back into my life and, dare I say, I like it. I have no love, lust, desire for any of them any longer (well except for maybe on Saturday, but i was drunk and I havent shagged in ages and he is cute) so basically all the carry on I go thru is bull shit, because it appears that I will see and speak of the man again.......Is it a sign that I am maturing? You would hope so since I am 40 soon. Does it mean that ultimately a man from my past will in some way become romantically involved with me again? If my past record is anything to go by then there is a strong possibility. Or does it mean that I may think I get over these fellas, but in reality I don't. And the question that I'm dreading even thinking of is this. Do I not learn from any of these love mistakes? I may be able to control many parts of my life and can be very happy with it, but if a man comes along and throws a spanner in the works, then God help me. (And him.)

This is for Kezza.....

:)

Muppet Mania.....Mahna Mahna.....

The inner child has come out again. A week or so ago it was Peanuts and now it's The Muppets. I fucking loved them and watching this still cracks me up.

Forgive and (never forgetting).....

I cannot go through life bearing grudges, never forgiving and never forgetting. Actually, I'll never forget, but the act of forgiving and letting go is quite a liberating experience. I quite literally felt the pain that was the catalyst for the grudge leave my body and what I was left with was a smile and an outlook that goes in one direction. The Future.

Over the past week or so I made a decision to dump some useless baggage that has been hanging around for a while and I feel fantastic for it. I feel like a bigger person. There's no bitterness anymore. I've had contact with a man who caused me a few months of sadness, maybe not entirely caused by him and maybe not entirely caused by me, but there is no longer any blame. That game got boring so i decided to end it. You know, it can be a bit like Monopoly. It goes on and on and on and even tho you've got Park Lane, it's still boring as hell. I never thought that I would be able to laugh or chat with him again because of the circumstances, but last night proved me wrong and after quite an extensive conversation that involved quite a bit of laughter about what happened and where our lives have gone, I realised that the old adage of "time heals all" is so very true. Sometimes the length of time can vary. Maybe that depends on how deep the wound is but allowing yourself to change your thoughts ontop of that helps as well.

Maybe one day I'll hold him to that beer he's promised or better still, I may make it a vodka. It's much more expensive and after the shit I went thru I think it's the least he could do......(only kidding).

Bad Things to Good People.....

Why do bad things happen to good people? Somebody very close to me is going through something hideous at the moment. My friend is such a wonderful, caring, happy, loving, kind, innocent person who does not deserve what she has and will continue to go thru for a while to come. In my last entry I said that life and the universe have a wicked sense of humor. THIS TIME IT AIN'T FUNNY!!!!

I'm thinking of you "M".

Heavy.....

Life and the Universe have a very wicked sense of humor. They seem to get pleasure out of some things that to you and I could be considered cruel, but then again, some humans get pleasure from similar circumstances as well. There are times when I'm in a contemplative mood where I think "why is this happening?" or "for what possible reason has something occurred?"

Today is World Aids Day and before you all start rolling your eyes and you let out a heavy sigh, don't worry, I'm not about to get on my soap box, I just want to say that everybody who is close to me has in some way been directly or indirectly affected by HIV/Aids throughout the years. I, myself have been affected by it directly. And right at this very moment I am feeling thankful, relieved and above all happy that I and my friends are alive. We were all "out and proud" in the hey day of HIV. We all lived the hedonistic life and thankfully, and above all luckily we are all still here to talk about it. To talk about and to still live the fun times and to reminisce about the struggles and the sadness we have lived through. I think many Gay men would agree with me when I say that apart from our biological families, we also have our other family. Our friends who we have known and loved for many years. The family we had and needed when the real one couldn't quite understand us. I guess many of us, gay or straight have that "family".

Because it's World Aids Day, I just saw the "Grim Reaper" advertisement on TV. That commercial I had not seen in so many years and it still packs a punch. A very forceful punch and it still very much holds its own in todays fancy advertising world. I think it was possibly ahead of its time. Let's hope that there is never a need to relaunch that campaign again. But then again, maybe that campaign should never really have ended.

So thats it. Thats all I have to say tonight. I guess I have to throw a heavy one in every now and then. I don't want the blogging world to think of me as totally shallow. But I will say this, apart from the happiness and relief I mentioned, there is also a touch of melancholy in me tonight.....I guess for obvious reasons.....

My Pet Peeve.....

I've come to the realisation that drivers who do not have the courtesy to give you a wave, a thank you for letting them in front of you is one of my pet peeves, if not the thing that pisses me off the most. I mean, it doesn't take much to say thank you but it appears the word or even a thank you gesture alludes the majority of the human race. I work in a customer service industry and I encounter many people every day and I would hazard a guess that about 90% of these people do not say thankyou. They do not even smile and give you a pleasant welcome. What is happening? Is everybody in such a rush that they simply do not have the time to utter these words? Is everybody so fucked off that they want to bring those of us that aren't down with them? Well to all those people out there who fall into the category of the "no thank you's" I give you this.....

Please make the Sunset.....

I am sitting on my couch, it's raining and I'm being tortured by that yucky twosome.....Mel and Kochy.....

God they are like watching a train wreck, or worst still, seeing the top of workmans bum crack. You force yourself to look away, but peer out the corner of your eye just to cop another look.....(actually, I'll compare them to the crack of something huge!!)

I cannot stand them!!! She is so false, so fake, so pathetic and he is just a plain embarrassment. I used to prefer Sunrise over Today, but now i just want that sun to set....

Australia.....I Love It!! (the movie that is)

Before I really get into this post, I would like to say how annoyed I am with the world on their treatment of Nicole Kidman. Why does everybody seem to dislike her so much? I mean, it's not like she has done anything so terrible. Has she? (well, except for maybe Bewitched, The Stepford Wives and that god forsaken Fur). Ok, her forehead doesn't move but is that reason enough to dislike here? Her acting is good, I mean she is an Oscar winner and a Golden Globe winner plus been nominated again for both so her acting does have some merit. It's the typical Aussie thing. Let's bash a success story......Anyway, that's my rant on that subject, now let me tell you about Australia.

IT'S FRICKING FANTASTIC!!! I'm sure there will be some people who will comment on this negatively, but can I just say (without sounding like a big bloody girl) that i was sobbing at the end of the movie. Sobbing so much that I overheard my friend say to his bf "we can't leave the cinema until Scott's got himself together." I will admit that the first 15 minutes were a little too slapstick for me but after that initial time, the movie just found its feet and off it went. i was hooked, mesmerized and glued to my seat for the next 2hrs and 20 mins. Mrs Kidman-Urban's acting is great. Her comedic moments had me in stitches and if there is one "bad" thing I could say about Hugh Jackman, it would be that he should have been naked throughout the entire film. My God!!! that man IS the sexiest man alive.
Overall, the movie, to me, is almost a cinematic masterpiece. Yes there are cliches aplenty, but its meant to be cliched. The acting is top notch, visually it is stunning and it is such an emotional ride that I was literally exhausted on leaving the cinema. It is obviously influenced my movies from a different era and if anybody does not get a tear in their eye atleast 3 times during the course of the film, then they are just too hard for words. This movie will not win, or likely be nominated for any awards as every critic out there is panning it purely because it is directed by a man with an over inflated ego and acted by a woman who cannot seem to move her face from the eyebrows up, but I love her! and this movie! (oh, I love Hugh Jackman to!)

A Photo Shoot.....

I don't mean for my blog to be an "exhibition" for my photography, but as I have nothing interesting to contribute to the blogging world today, I thought I would post a few of my favourite photos that I have taken on my travels around Europe. Hope you like them.....

It's A Small World After All.....

I broke up with "M" about 5 weeks ago and yes, I'm completely over it now. That I know for sure. So anyway, like probably 90% of gay men, (well, gay men I know) I thought I'm going to go on the website that we love so much. (You know the one. The soul destroying one with the profiles that say they are after masculine, muscular, non asian blokes for a beer or possibly a ltr and attached is a pic of their genitals). After being on it for a few days, a lovely chap messages me. We chat and he seems like quite a lovely guy. There is no flirting on my part (ok, maybe just a tiny bit) when all of a sudden I have what is almost this feeling of deja vu. Have I met this guy before? I can see myself being introduced to him or dancing with him somewhere and low and behold he's a friend of "M's". Out of over 1000 guys on this bloody site, a friend of my ex has to chat to me.  I guess I won't be catching up for a beer with this one. Or maybe I will. I mean, I'm not interested in meeting anybody for anything other than a beer (or maybe a shag). Oh god, that merry go round they call single life is now well and truly swinging.....

Gloomy Pics on a Gloomy Day.....

Its 16 degrees outside, it's 1 week til summer, the winds are gale force and I'm tired and cranky. Can't think of much to talk about today so I've decided to add some B & W photos I've taken of Sydney. 

Unsure if it sells, but sure it is beautiful.....

This is one of the advertisements that Baz Luhrman created for Tourism Australia. I'm not too certain that it promotes Australia but I do think it is beautiful to watch.

Schroeder and Snoopy.....

When I was a kid I was obsessed beyond belief with Peanuts. Not the salted kind but the comic strip. I had 3 favourites. Lucy cos she was such a cranky bitch, Snoopy cos he was just so adorably cute and Schroeder cos he was aloof, sweet and I liked the colour of his hair.  I had the snoopy stuffed toy and I had soooooo many of the comic books, and now I have the dvd's. I actually have 3 volumes!!!! I find something quite comforting and safe and secure about these characters. Is that an odd thing to say? I'm not sure, but I distinctly remember when I was a child and I used to lock myself away for hours reading the Peanuts books, it gave me this sense of belonging. I almost felt like I was part of them, part of their gang. I was a real loner when I was young so maybe that's why I enjoyed reading about a gang of friends and their a crazy dog with a crazy bird as a mate. I wanted to be part of this group and by reading and letting my imagination run away with me I did become a part of it. Anyway, today I watched an episode and I was transported back in time. For an hour I was that child again and my childhood is not something I would ever want to relive, but today, only for an hour, I did want to relive it and relive it I did. I think I may do the same again tomorrow......

Turning Points.....

2008 is almost over, which obviously means 2009 is just around the corner and as with many of the past years, this one has had its ups and downs.

The year started off not so good after becoming extremely sick and having to have 2 months off work. Those couple of months were a very stressful period for me. (I won't fluff this blog entry up so it's going to be very honest.) I remember the night before I went into hospital, I thought that "the time had come", that I was going to die. Now I know that sounds all very dramatic and for once this was a drama that wasn't perpetuated by my mind and emotions :) I sat up in bed all night too frightened to go to sleep and too stubborn to call for help (I was living alone at this stage) because I was adamant that hospital wasn't an option. My breathing was labored and I had to stop myself from getting too worked up as that literally turned breathing into gasping. The next morning I had to bite the bullet and text my friend "J" to take me to hospital. By this stage I had basically lost my voice due to a partial lung collapse which just added to what I was already going through. When I was admitted to St Vincents,  the doctor (or maybe it was the nurse) said that they were very surprised I was not unconscious as my body was not receiving enough oxygen. Needless to say I was immediately put on oxygen for a week. During this whole shitty period, my friends rallied around and it was then that I started to think. And think a plenty I did. I had alot of time to kill over the coming weeks as I was basically an invalid, my mind went into overdrive. 

I will digress for a moment here because I want to make special mention of my friend "S". He was a saviour during all this and without him I really don't know how I would have gotten through it all. My mates "J" and "C" visited regularly and "P" did as well and of course one of my oldest and dearest and bestest friends "S" from Brisbane was a constant on the phone and my work colleagues and bosses were amazing and treated me beyond expectation. I think a time comes in everybody's life when you realise that you really are a special and loved person by the actions and reactions of those around you. 

Anyway, 2 months passed and after putting on 20 kgs due to not being able to get any excercise, eating like there was no tomorrow and being on steroids (for medicinal purposes), I got myself on the mend and the year continued. My confidence took a bit of a dive and I looked like a bloated blimp, the heaviest I had ever been (I weighed 89 kgs and I usually average around 74kgs, but was 65kgs when I was admitted to hospital) so I decided to make a few changes to my life. Those changes are a bit too personal to add to my blog just yet, maybe one day I will, but I had to change a part of my life that I thought would be with me forever. I thought I would not survive without this as it had been with me for the past 19 years (no, it wasn't a drug problem, that was years ago and maybe thats another blog entry for when I'm feeling serious and reflective). This change was and has been the best thing to have happen to me. It's made me happier, more confident, more emotional (if that is at all possible), more alive and stronger on every possible level.  The strength of your mind and the willpower you muster is an amazing thing and sometimes certain things seem impossible to do, and other times, it just comes so naturally. I know this is probably coming across a little ambiguous, but the crux of it is I made a decision to change. Me, the master of procrastination actually made a life changing decision. Me, who finds it difficult to decide on whether to turn right or left made a decision that would affect me forever.

Then came "love". I've blogged about this issue numerous times so I'm not going to bore you with the details of this, but almost falling in love again was naturally a blessing, even if it didn't last. After my last relationship ended (of course, with lots of drama), I really became bitter and twisted on the subject. I didn't ever want to meet another man, fall in love with another man, become intimate with another man, but that changed when I met "M". My heart may have been broken after "M" and I ended, but it is well and truly on the mend and a smile is back on my face because after experiencing the act of "falling in love", no matter how gut wrenching and heart breaking it can be, I know you cannot exist without "it" coming and going from your life. And the feeling is too wonderful to wrap yourself up in cotton wool and not want to experience it, no matter how jaded you get.  

What I have blogged about today have been turning points in my life, so as my 40th approaches, I've come to realize that it has literally taken me all these years to figure out what life is all about. Maybe not all of it, but enough to make the penny drop.  I think the older you get, the wiser and happier you become. In my case it's true anyway.

I read a couple of quotes recently that have stuck in my mind. "HAVE THE COURAGE TO LIVE BECAUSE ANYBODY CAN DIE" and "WHEN YOU'RE IN LOVE YOU CAN'T FALL ASLEEP BECAUSE REALITY IS SO MUCH BETTER THAN YOUR DREAMS."  

Oh, and I'm happy to say that I am now back down to 72.5kgs!!! :) :) :)

This is for my friend..... I (heart) U

For those who are interested.....

The dream didn't continue.....what woke me up this morning was a headache, no great chocolate coated dreams.

ich erlerne Deutsches.....

Ich habe meine erste deutsche lektion auf Freitag nacht. Ich habe dies tun gewunshct fur alter so hoffnungsvoll in ungefahr tausend jahren ich bin zu in der lage die sprache sprechen.

(Somehow I think my first attempt at translating english to german failed. Gee, I can't even speak it with the help of the internet) :)

What I have tried in vain to say is that on Friday night I have my first German language class. I've been wanting to do it for ages so hopefully in about a thousand years I'll be able to speak the language.

Chocolate. It's torture!!!!.....

My dreams have been taking me to strange places of recent times. Not long ago I dreamt of Chihuahuas (2 nights running), I've recently dreamt that I ran over my mother whilst driving in London (what my mother was doing in London without telling me I will never know), then there was the absolutely horrifying, disturbing and not to mention disgusting dream I had about a family member. But the dream that I wish I could relive again and again and again and again and again and again is the one I had last night. I was kidnapped by some crazed (hot and sexy) man who needed "information" out of me, so to torture me he decided to put me in a vat of chocolate!!! Now there are 2 things wrong here (actually, not so wrong as in 2 things right). Firstly, the man was hot and sexy and wanted to torture me (I say yes please, bring it on) and secondly, his torture chamber was a big vat of gorgeous milky, dark chocolate (again, I say yes please, bring it on). I'm unsure of how the dream ended or if he was successful in extracting the "information" out of me. I'm inclined to say it didn't work. Hopefully I'll continue this horrible nightmare tonight and if it ends the way I want it to, I won't be blogging about, it will be my own secret fantasy. :)

Italy, here (we) come.....

Get behind this on December 1st.....

HIV infection in Australia is on the rise. We have become complacent so, on December 1st, please support those living with this virus and help raise funds for the prevention and maybe even the cure of HIV by purchasing and wearing a red ribbon. Let's also educate the next generation so they don't witness what many of our generation have. 

 I'll be wearing mine with pride.

MeMe.....

Now I've pinched this off Monty (sorry fella).

I'm going to play it a little different tho.  I'm going to answer the questions without referring to my iTunes. 

1) What does next year have in store for me? My 40th year in this god for saken place. Which means my life is probably half over. 

2) What's my love life like? As confusing as confucious.

3) What do I say when life gets hard? This is bullshit.

4) What do I think of when I wake up? I need coffee, and lots of it.

5) What song will I dance to at my wedding/civil union :) ? Well, I won't be getting married, but if i had to, the song would be Agadoo. (you know, push pineapple shake the tree).

6) What do I want as a career? To travel the world taking photos. (is that a career?)

7) My Favourite Saying? Either "are you serious" or "this is bullshit".

8) Favourite Place? Paris, Venice or Santorini. Probably Paris.

9) What Do I Think Of my Parents? Well, I miss my dad as he has passed away and my mum, well I feel guilty to a certain degree when it comes to my mother. Thats all I'm sayin.

10) What's my porn star name? Bambi Kanofski.

11) Where would i go on a first date? I'd like to sit on a hill on a beautiful afternoon with a nice bottle of wine (or the alcohol of choice), eat some food and watch the sun set just chatting and getting to know one another. (do i hear you puking?)

12) Drug Of choice? I'm a lovely innocent man thank you very much ;)

13) Describe myself? Lost and Found.

14) What is the thing I like doing most? Well there are 3. Laughing hysterically, taking photos and cuddling a man.

15) What is my state of mind like at the moment? A bit all over the shop, but on the way to being very happy again.

16) How will I die? Very dramatically :)

THE COUNTDOWN BEGINS. 9 MONTHS TO GO.....

TUSCANY IN THE SUMMER

My 40th is exactly 9 months away and I have made a decision on what I'm going to do for it. I'm renting a house/villa in Tuscany for a month. I have almost convinced my best mate "S" and his boyfriend "V" to come with me, so all I need to do now is do something about that other 20%.

I was going to have a big party but I've always said that I want to be back in Europe for the big four zero, so the decision has been made. I don't even mind if I am there by myself but to have my close mates there with me would be even better. Now I have to start saving.  :)

My 5 Days Off....or is that 6 days??

I have had the last 5 days off. Well, it will be 5 days after tomorrow and, well, technically it's really 6 days cos I had today off but then I had to go into work for about 6 hours so if I haven't confused you already (too late I hear you say), I've had a total of 5 days off out of the last 6. And those 5 days have been completely wonderful.

It all started on Thursday night after work. My best mate "S" had the weekend to himself as his boyfriend "V" had gone away, so we decided to just chill and have a few drinks and many laughs. Topped off with a big fat J. :)  Friday, again I spent it with "S". We went shopping at WBJ where I went about spending too much money (but god it was fun). We then went into Paddington and had some dinner and saw a movie (The Women. Do not see it. Total shite). Saturday I just relaxed at home and then Saturday night was off to a play and a stroll thru the X, again with my mate "S" (We are separable. I promise). And Sunday was spent at the Newtown Festival and the Bank Hotel (Yes, again with "S" but "M" and "M" were there as well. Plus some randoms. You know the ones you meet when you are completely plastered).  The best time was had by all. Throw into this mix the date I had (as previously blogged about) plus a couple of drinks with some mates before the play and I had a very social few days.

To top it all off, tonight I had dinner cooked for me by my new mate "P", who just happens to be a very very very lovely chap. That's all I'm saying on that subject. :)

So in closing, my very long weekend has been the best one I have had in an incredibly long time. And you know what? I so fucking deserved it!

Long live the long weekend!!!

The Top 20 Songs on my Ipod (in alphabetical order).....

These are my favourite tracks at the moment. When I like a song, no matter how old it is, I tend to have it on high rotation on my ipod. In fact, it is on constant repeat - Obsessive? Me? 

1) My Love, My Life - ABBA. I can see the eyes rolling and the gasps of "he's soooo gay" from here.

2) Hometown Glory - Adele. It's about her love affair with London. Totally beautiful song.

3) Prisencolinensinainciusol - Adriano Celentano. The best foreign language song in this lifetime. And the clip that accompanies it is completely cool. 

4) Leavin' Me - Bent. I've been addicted to the band for a few years now and this song has such a kitsch feel to it.

5) Comin' Back - Bent. One of my favourite songs of all time. The lyrics and the music never fail to bring a tear to my eye.

6) I Still Remember - Bloc Party.  Another track where the lyrics and the music give me goose bumps. Rock/Pop at its best.

7) Dream On - Christian Falk feat. Robyn. The prettiest song I have heard in the last 12 months.

8) Neverland - Darren Hayes. A song about a boy and the hatred he has towards his father. (Well, that's my interpretation). Listen to the lyrics. Tells a great story.

9) One Step Too Far - Faithless feat. Dido. A great dance track and with Didos vocals added, I find it quite haunting.

10) Distant Dreamer - Duffy. I cannot get enough of this chic and this song is so big and grand. Straight from the 60's.

11) Walking On A Dream - Empire of the Sun. You know you get those songs that remind you of a season?? Well this one just reminds me of summer when I was a kid. It takes me back to a very happy time for some reason.

12) 17 Again - Eurythmics. One of my fave songs from one of my fave bands.

13) Diferente - Gotan Project. Another one of my all time favourite tracks. Reminds me of when I was in Europe.

14) Girl That Speaks No Words - The Infadels. Love this singers English accent. The first time I heard this song I immediately had to have it. 

15) Mr Brightside - The Killers. I don't think I will ever get sick of this track.

16) No Wow/Telephone Radio Germany - The Kills. I find this song really sexy and dirty.

17) The Age of the Understatement - The Last Shadow Puppets. Was this song taken straight from the 60's. They are certainly foppish.

18) Smile - Lilly Allen. The perfect breakup/revenge song.

19) Is It Over? - Lovers Electric. A very sad song from a great Aussie band.

20) Unfinished Sympathy - Massive Attack. I think possibly my favourite track of all time.

Some Images from Newtown Festival....

2 Things - Blowing Whistles - Newtown Festival

1) I went and saw a play last night - Blowing Whistles.....If you are a gay man, you must go and see it. Totally brilliant, funny, poignant and heartbreaking. And the cast are pretty good eye candy as well.

2) Today is the Newtown Festival. Now I live directly across the road from where it takes place and every year it is a NIGHTMARE! I've had people urinating in my front garden (more than once) I've had to fight my way thru a dozen or so lesbians blocking my front gate with their Harley Davidsons (and let me tell you, that was possibly the scariest moment of my life) and then there was the incident with the pot smoking, dread locked hippies. But that wasn't such a bad thing :) But the plus to all this is I'm spending it with my mates and ending the day with a few beers and maybe the odd vodka.

There's nothing fun about it.....

I've just come home from a date. I know it has only been 3 weeks since I broke up with my boyfriend and part of me thinks it is too soon to even be dating but I needed to do this. I needed to know that I could do it again. And the whole time I was wishing that this wasn't happening. All I could think about was my past relationships. Actually, make that my last relationship. And the fact that I am back in this position again.

Was I really in love with "M" or was I just addicted to the pain. The pain of actually knowing that the man I was with was not the man for me. It was almost exquisite being with him. Or was the affection and the attention exquisite? If I was in love why has it taken me so little time to "get over it"? And am I over it if all I could think about on my "date" was not wanting to be there. Yes I know I analyse, sorry, make that over analyse. I wish I could just switch off and go "who cares". But I do care.

The day my relationship ended was the day I became free again. Free to do, to go, to be. Free of the angst of knowing that what you had was a lie. It is ok to not want to admit that what you had, is not actually what you had. Your mind said it was one thing, but your heart said it was another. Your mind can play tricks and maybe your heart does as well. Which one do you trust? The difficult thing is trying to get the heart and mind to communicate and be on the same level.

I thought dating again would be fun. Fair enough this was my first, but there wasn't anything fun about it and that is no reflection on the chap I went on the date with. He is quite lovely and handsome and seemingly charming but maybe the wound just hasn't healed yet. So maybe I shouldn't even think about "the next" because that is just too far away. Maybe first I just have to forget.

Oh what the hell.....

Monty said it took him 6 months to reveal himself. Well, I guess it's taken me 2!!!! I had this idea of actually never showing myself to the people who read this, but as I like to blog everyday and this morning I was stuck with something to say, I thought I would reveal all. 

So whenever, or if ever you read my blog, you can put a face to the text. You can see who is writing all this dribble, all these words of absolute wisdom and all this toss.

So hello world, my name's Scott and I'm a blogger.

Some people are gay.....get over it....

I don't like to get too political. I have opinions sure, but sometimes I like to keep those opinions to myself and then alot of the times I don't. I read today that proposition 8 was approved in the USA which means that marriage can only be between a man and a woman. Exactly the same as it is here in this very "open minded" country of hours. I guess voting a colored man in as president is the most ground breaking they can be in one day and as we here in Oz like to follow our counterparts on the other side of the globe, I guess the thought of marriage between Adam and Steve is going to be way out of the question for us......

What's my view on 2 men or 2 women getting married? I would never do it myself as I'm not the marrying kind, but if heterosexuals can do it then homosexuals should have the right to do it as well. I mean love is love is love and if you wish to celebrate it or seal it with marriage,  then EVERYBODY should have that right. 

Homosexuality has been around since the dawn of time so for the life of me I don't understand why people have a goddamn problem with it.......And therein lies the problem.....God......(apologies to anybody who reads my blog and is religious).

 I think those who have the power and who have a say need to realise they are treating "the gays" as 2nd class citizens. In a life and death situation, would they let a "gay" save their life? Of course! What's it take for these people to look at us and think of us as equal? How about instead of abolishing the "thought" of gay marriage, why don't they abolish religion. Then sooooo many issues would be solved.

THANK BLOODY CHRIST.....

I think we all know what I'm talking about.....

:)

The race that stops a nation, and empties my wallet.....

Ok, today I bet on 7 horses in the race that stops a nation.  That is 7 horses!!!! Now there was a total of 22 horses in the race, actually make that 15 horses and 7 donkeys and naturally I backed the 7 donkeys. 

Now if you would just cast your eyes to the picture above you will see a photo of one of the "horses" I backed. Resting!!!! Somebody obviously forgot to tell the jockey to put down his coffee and extinguish his cigarette because last I heard, my bloody donkeys hadn't even crossed the line!!!!

This is what I wake up to every morning....

Every morning I wake up to this. Now you can obviously see that I do not wake up to my boyfriend or partner. I wake up to my dog, Hugo. And you know what, sometimes that is a much nicer sight. Sure he may lick my face to wake me up cos it's his breakfast time and sure, thats really not the type of "good morning" kiss I like, but I'll tell you this, Hugo's breath is alot nicer smelling than some guys I've had the pleasure, or displeasure of waking up next to.

You should be impressed, not depressed.....

It took 2 weeks to figure this out. 

I wasn't and I became......now I'm not. 

I now have a big smile on my face.

Ginger or Maryanne.....?

I found this "game" on another blog, except it wasn't called Ginger or Maryanne. "M" called it this one night. So, it's simple. You get a choice of 1 of 2 things. For example, Ginger or Maryanne? I would choo choose Ginger. Why? Cos Maryanne was sooooo nice and people who are toooo nice annoy me. So here goes.....

1) Red Wine or White Wine? Red cos it gets me drunk quicker.

2) Woolworths or Coles? Woolworths. I like poor little rich girl.

3) CD's or download? Well, it used to be CD's cos I like to acquire things and I like reading the inserts, but now its download cos I have toooooooo many CD's.

4) Will or Grace? Grace. I think that this character was the modern day Lucy.

5) Chrissie or Martina? Definitely Chris. I like an ice maiden.

6) Paris or London? Paris Paris Paris. Like I've said. I'm a hopeless romantic.

7) Love or Lust? Love hands down. Altho lust is quite the adrenalin rush.

8) Tobacco or Marijuana? Give me the scooby any day.

9) Kylie or Dannii? Hmmm. Thats difficult, but I'll go with Kylie.

10) Town or Country? I love the big city, but there is something special about the openness of the country.

11) Sun holiday or Snow holiday? Definitely Sun.

12) Smooth or Fur? Fur

13) Clean shaven or beard? Definitely beard.

14) Cats or Dogs? Bow Wow Wow.

15) Memories or Photos? This is a difficult one. I love photos, but I guess memories stay with you forever, so I'll go memories.

16) Kissing or Fucking? Well, fucking is fucking fantastic, but kissing somebody who can REALLY REALLY kiss is a big turn on.......can I choose both?

Trick or Treat......?

Well that depends on what the trick is and what the treat is.....If the treat is an all expenses paid holiday then I'll take the treat. If the trick is making me disappear to europe then I could possibly take that. If I'm just going to be offered a piece of candy, then don't bother!!!

Yes, it's that time of year again......Halloween......Do we really care? I don't think in all my life I have ever had anybody appear on my door step in costume saying trick or treat.....Altho there was that one time, but he was more a "trick" and he wasn't actually in costume and it wasn't actually Halloween.... :)

Anyway, to anybody who cares, HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

BOO!!........Did I scare ya???

I miss you Dad....

This coming Saturday, 1st November is the 6th anniversary of my fathers death. He died from cancer. He also died on my brothers birthday. When this date comes around every year I tend to get a little melancholy and with what has been happening in my life over the last few weeks, I guess this year I am feeling extra melancholy, extra reflective and sad. 

My father and I did not have the best relationship, I mean we were like chalk and cheese. He being a very old fashioned, moralistic mans man. And then there's me the exact opposite. But what did bring me closer to my dad was how he accepted my homosexuality. His behaviour and his love for me never faltered when I told him.  I honestly thought that me being gay would end any type of relationship I had with him, but he surprised me completely with his reaction and I can clearly remember the first words he said to me....."Son, if you're happy, I'm happy." 

We used to quarrel sometimes, usually over my frivolous lifestyle, but he was only concerned, which is natural for a father. He was not a very affectionate man, in fact my family are not affectionate at all, maybe that's why I crave it, but I know deep down he loved me completely.

I remember the day he died. We all knew it was going to come and even tho you think you are prepared for this day, when it arrives, you're not. I received a phone call from my mother. It was early morning and instantly I knew. The tone and the quivering of her voice and then I just screamed. Then I remember this stranger on the other end. It was a man trying to calm me down. He had the calmest, most beautiful voice. I don't know who it was but I know my mum couldn't talk as naturally she was very sad and my reaction made it worse. Then the rest is a blur.

Two things made this extremely sad for me and still do. One seeing my mother. I have never and I don't think will ever see her so uncontrollably emotional. Knowing I had to be strong for her was a difficult thing to pull off. I remember hiding behind the garden shed crying. Here I was, a man of 33, hiding because he didn't want his mother to see him upset because he wanted to protect her. The other thing that I couldn't come to grips with and still at times don't comprehend is that I will never see him again. I know I can look at old photos, but the man who made me, the man who tried his hardest to guide me and raise me to be a good person will never stand in front of me, beside me. I will never hear his voice. I can't ring him for advice or to just say hello. That is what's worse for me. That complete feeling of loss. It's a similar feeling I guess when you break up with somebody you love. That feeling of losing familiarity and security and love, except when somebody dies, somebody you have had in your life for 60 years, the feeling is 50 times, maybe 100 times worse. What you are left with tho is memories. Some of them not so good, but most of them great. And of course, you have the photos. Both of these will always make you smile, laugh and of course cry. 

I very rarely told my Dad that I loved him, and if there is a regret I have, it is that. Maybe he is sitting beside me now while I'm writing this. Maybe he walks beside me everyday. I'd like to think he does and if he can hear me I'd like to say to him, "I love you and I miss you."