Turning Points.....

2008 is almost over, which obviously means 2009 is just around the corner and as with many of the past years, this one has had its ups and downs.

The year started off not so good after becoming extremely sick and having to have 2 months off work. Those couple of months were a very stressful period for me. (I won't fluff this blog entry up so it's going to be very honest.) I remember the night before I went into hospital, I thought that "the time had come", that I was going to die. Now I know that sounds all very dramatic and for once this was a drama that wasn't perpetuated by my mind and emotions :) I sat up in bed all night too frightened to go to sleep and too stubborn to call for help (I was living alone at this stage) because I was adamant that hospital wasn't an option. My breathing was labored and I had to stop myself from getting too worked up as that literally turned breathing into gasping. The next morning I had to bite the bullet and text my friend "J" to take me to hospital. By this stage I had basically lost my voice due to a partial lung collapse which just added to what I was already going through. When I was admitted to St Vincents,  the doctor (or maybe it was the nurse) said that they were very surprised I was not unconscious as my body was not receiving enough oxygen. Needless to say I was immediately put on oxygen for a week. During this whole shitty period, my friends rallied around and it was then that I started to think. And think a plenty I did. I had alot of time to kill over the coming weeks as I was basically an invalid, my mind went into overdrive. 

I will digress for a moment here because I want to make special mention of my friend "S". He was a saviour during all this and without him I really don't know how I would have gotten through it all. My mates "J" and "C" visited regularly and "P" did as well and of course one of my oldest and dearest and bestest friends "S" from Brisbane was a constant on the phone and my work colleagues and bosses were amazing and treated me beyond expectation. I think a time comes in everybody's life when you realise that you really are a special and loved person by the actions and reactions of those around you. 

Anyway, 2 months passed and after putting on 20 kgs due to not being able to get any excercise, eating like there was no tomorrow and being on steroids (for medicinal purposes), I got myself on the mend and the year continued. My confidence took a bit of a dive and I looked like a bloated blimp, the heaviest I had ever been (I weighed 89 kgs and I usually average around 74kgs, but was 65kgs when I was admitted to hospital) so I decided to make a few changes to my life. Those changes are a bit too personal to add to my blog just yet, maybe one day I will, but I had to change a part of my life that I thought would be with me forever. I thought I would not survive without this as it had been with me for the past 19 years (no, it wasn't a drug problem, that was years ago and maybe thats another blog entry for when I'm feeling serious and reflective). This change was and has been the best thing to have happen to me. It's made me happier, more confident, more emotional (if that is at all possible), more alive and stronger on every possible level.  The strength of your mind and the willpower you muster is an amazing thing and sometimes certain things seem impossible to do, and other times, it just comes so naturally. I know this is probably coming across a little ambiguous, but the crux of it is I made a decision to change. Me, the master of procrastination actually made a life changing decision. Me, who finds it difficult to decide on whether to turn right or left made a decision that would affect me forever.

Then came "love". I've blogged about this issue numerous times so I'm not going to bore you with the details of this, but almost falling in love again was naturally a blessing, even if it didn't last. After my last relationship ended (of course, with lots of drama), I really became bitter and twisted on the subject. I didn't ever want to meet another man, fall in love with another man, become intimate with another man, but that changed when I met "M". My heart may have been broken after "M" and I ended, but it is well and truly on the mend and a smile is back on my face because after experiencing the act of "falling in love", no matter how gut wrenching and heart breaking it can be, I know you cannot exist without "it" coming and going from your life. And the feeling is too wonderful to wrap yourself up in cotton wool and not want to experience it, no matter how jaded you get.  

What I have blogged about today have been turning points in my life, so as my 40th approaches, I've come to realize that it has literally taken me all these years to figure out what life is all about. Maybe not all of it, but enough to make the penny drop.  I think the older you get, the wiser and happier you become. In my case it's true anyway.

I read a couple of quotes recently that have stuck in my mind. "HAVE THE COURAGE TO LIVE BECAUSE ANYBODY CAN DIE" and "WHEN YOU'RE IN LOVE YOU CAN'T FALL ASLEEP BECAUSE REALITY IS SO MUCH BETTER THAN YOUR DREAMS."  

Oh, and I'm happy to say that I am now back down to 72.5kgs!!! :) :) :)