I'm Doin' A Kezza.....

I've decided to call it quits.....I don't like to commit to anything for too long so I'm closing my laptop and saying goodbye. I had fun blogging for the very short time I did and if it wasn't for my ex (Muzbot) I would not have even thought of doing it. 

So that's it. Goodbye. Farewell. Au Revoir. Cya Later. TaTa. Ciao. Auf Weidersehen.

It was fun while it lasted.....

Gluckliche Tag. Jours Heureux. Giorni Felici. Dias Felices. Happy Days.....not Merry Christmas.

I don't normally "get into" the whole christmas spirit.....Bah Humbug, maybe, but I think one of the reasons is that I normally work over this period and my family are a thousand kilometers away. I also feel that Christmas is for children. When I was a kid, this time of year meant waking up extremely early and sitting around the tree waiting anxiously for Mum and Dad to wake up so I could unwrap my presents, making sure that Santa ate the snack and drank the drink you left out for him and then eating, eating and eating. Once I started to grow up, it all just became a massive expense and to be honest, a massive annoyance. I'm not a christian so any religious meaning that Christmas holds is obsolete to me but maybe one thing that does go through my mind during the "festive season" is how quickly time is flying by. Here I am, pushing 40 and I can remember clearly Christmas when I was a child. It certainly doesn't seem like it was a couple of decades ago. I also reflect on what has happened in my rather eventful life and because this year only has around a week left, I start to plan what I will do and what I want to achieve over the following 365 days. This is otherwise known as a New Years Resolution and as with alot of people, my resolutions won't be met, but it's fun to think about it anyway. One thing I do know is that I will be heading overseas. That's a certainty.

Anyway, I've been prattling on and on and on and all I really want to say is this. I hope today, along with every other day of the year is a Merry one. So think of this blog as not a greeting of Merry Christmas, but as a greeting of Happy Days. For today, tomorrow and the rest of our lives.

I Will Be Scarless. I Will Be Without Scar.....

I am now recovered. I still have the stitches but am feeling ship shape. I will admit that I am, and will be slightly disappointed because deep down I wanted to be left with a major scar. I mean, if you are going to have surgery you want a reminder of what happened.  What's the point in having surgery (or a procedure as some people like to keep reminding me) if you do not have a souvenir as a keepsake. I wanted to be able to rip my shirt off and for my people to say "OMG!! you poor thing!!! How did you survive that?", but knowing me all they would say is "OMG!!! You are so horribly disfigured!!! It's repulsive and I can no longer look at you!".

So the one time I go under the knife, I will be scarless. I will be without Scar. Maybe I should have asked for that nose job I have always wanted while I was anesthetized. 

The Devil in Disguise.....

I have held off a few days from making any type of entry on my blog because a few days ago I had the unfortunate experience of being the subject of some rather disturbing vitriol from a fellow blogger. I should add that I have never come across this "person" before. I have never read his blog. I do not know this "person" nor do I ever wish to. He shall remain nameless but "apparently" he is a christian. You will have noticed that I have put 2 words in inverted commas, those being person and apparently. The reason for this is that the disgusting, revolting and hateful language he used towards me would not come from a true god loving, life loving human, but rather an animal, therefore I feel he is neither a christian nor a person. Now I do not claim to be a christian or believe in God for that matter. I am certainly open to the idea of a god or a higher being but I am not convinced of it and I also do not hold anything against or think anything less of anybody who has a belief in a religion of any description. But what I am opposed to is when somebody tries to ram their beliefs down my throat or feel they need to "teach" me that my ways are sub-human, not normal and evil. In saying this, they are slandering me and my name. But maybe I am getting off the topic here.

I think people have the right to free speech but I also feel that if somebody is going to suggest that my father was a murderer (he was not!!!! he was an extremely loving, loyal and kind man), that I should be served karposis sarcoma for breakfast (if i did order this, then I would certainly order a side of crispy bacon with it) and that I should suffer death with blood on my head, then free speech enters into a whole different arena.

I have not responded to this "person" in any way, shape or form. I did not reply to his messages, I have not commented on his blog. This is all I am going to say:

I feel very very sorry for you and I am so bored bored bored with the crap that spews from the mouths of homophobes like yourself. You cannot change the world and homosexuality is not going away so either accept it or ignore us because we ain't goin' anywhere. And another thing, when I do go to hell, no doubt I will see you there, because you my dear dear "friend", are not a loving person but the devil in disguise.:   :):):):):)

Something so useless can be so painful.....

Wednesday night was painful. Thursday was worse and Thursday night was excruciatingly painful. And then I had my appendix out.

What started out as a slight pain in the tummy on wednesday night (here i was thinking it was indigestion), turned into a major case of appendicitis.

From what I understand, this body organ is totally useless, I mean it must be if we can live without it so how can something so bloody meaningless be so bloody painful. I dont think i have ever experienced anything like this. Now I don't mind a bit of pain but there is a time and a place and this type of pain has no time or place in my life.

So Thursday night i had a "procedure" or for somebody who has never had surgery before or been under anesthetic, a major operation :) Well, you would have thought i was about to have a major operation by how fucking nervous I was. But all is well now except for the uncomfortable feeling where the 3 incisions in my stomach are. Tiny incisions but hopefully big enough to see a scar because scars are hot!!! LOL

My plans for the next week have now been put into disarray. And do you know the thing that pisses me off the most. I will more than likely have to miss the Kylie concert on Tuesday night.......boo hoo.......

The Asteroids Galaxy Tour - Around the Bend (Official Music Video)

My favourite song of the last, well, 2 days.

My Name is scottiejt and I Have an ADDICTION.....

It is time for me to confess. I can no longer keep this to myself.......

I have been trying for so long to fight this and to rid this from my mind and my body but whenever I think of it, my heart starts to race, my head starts to swirl and no matter where I am, the feeling, the wanting, the need for it becomes all too consuming.

Every day I have it. Every day I need it. If there is a day that I don't get it I almost fall into a state of panic. It is affecting my friendships and maybe I am starting to fall in with the wrong crowd because my new "friends" are not healthy for me.

So here goes. My name is scottiejt and I am an ADDICT. Please help me rid my addiction to

Drawn to the Past.....

Why is it that I seem to be drawn to men from my past. Over the last week or so I have had contact with a man who I loved but ultimately lost, I had lunch on saturday with a man who I dated 8 years ago and I have to admit, I was slightly attracted to again. And tonight, I'm having dinner with my ex from earlier this year. Now the way I deal with breakups is this. I become bitter, swear to myself the man in question who has ruined my life (cos lets face it, the man who breaks my heart is the total arsehole because I could not have had any part in the break up what so ever ;) will never be seen or spoken of again, shed alot of tears, scream and shout and then eventually move on. In short, I become a drama queen and then it's forgotten about. Now that may not be the best way to handle it, infact, it IS NOT the best way to handle it, but it works (kinda) for me. Now lets move forward. Maybe 16 years, maybe 8 years, maybe 2 years or even maybe 2 months and all of a sudden, these men have all come back into my life and, dare I say, I like it. I have no love, lust, desire for any of them any longer (well except for maybe on Saturday, but i was drunk and I havent shagged in ages and he is cute) so basically all the carry on I go thru is bull shit, because it appears that I will see and speak of the man again.......Is it a sign that I am maturing? You would hope so since I am 40 soon. Does it mean that ultimately a man from my past will in some way become romantically involved with me again? If my past record is anything to go by then there is a strong possibility. Or does it mean that I may think I get over these fellas, but in reality I don't. And the question that I'm dreading even thinking of is this. Do I not learn from any of these love mistakes? I may be able to control many parts of my life and can be very happy with it, but if a man comes along and throws a spanner in the works, then God help me. (And him.)

This is for Kezza.....

:)

Muppet Mania.....Mahna Mahna.....

The inner child has come out again. A week or so ago it was Peanuts and now it's The Muppets. I fucking loved them and watching this still cracks me up.

Forgive and (never forgetting).....

I cannot go through life bearing grudges, never forgiving and never forgetting. Actually, I'll never forget, but the act of forgiving and letting go is quite a liberating experience. I quite literally felt the pain that was the catalyst for the grudge leave my body and what I was left with was a smile and an outlook that goes in one direction. The Future.

Over the past week or so I made a decision to dump some useless baggage that has been hanging around for a while and I feel fantastic for it. I feel like a bigger person. There's no bitterness anymore. I've had contact with a man who caused me a few months of sadness, maybe not entirely caused by him and maybe not entirely caused by me, but there is no longer any blame. That game got boring so i decided to end it. You know, it can be a bit like Monopoly. It goes on and on and on and even tho you've got Park Lane, it's still boring as hell. I never thought that I would be able to laugh or chat with him again because of the circumstances, but last night proved me wrong and after quite an extensive conversation that involved quite a bit of laughter about what happened and where our lives have gone, I realised that the old adage of "time heals all" is so very true. Sometimes the length of time can vary. Maybe that depends on how deep the wound is but allowing yourself to change your thoughts ontop of that helps as well.

Maybe one day I'll hold him to that beer he's promised or better still, I may make it a vodka. It's much more expensive and after the shit I went thru I think it's the least he could do......(only kidding).

Bad Things to Good People.....

Why do bad things happen to good people? Somebody very close to me is going through something hideous at the moment. My friend is such a wonderful, caring, happy, loving, kind, innocent person who does not deserve what she has and will continue to go thru for a while to come. In my last entry I said that life and the universe have a wicked sense of humor. THIS TIME IT AIN'T FUNNY!!!!

I'm thinking of you "M".

Heavy.....

Life and the Universe have a very wicked sense of humor. They seem to get pleasure out of some things that to you and I could be considered cruel, but then again, some humans get pleasure from similar circumstances as well. There are times when I'm in a contemplative mood where I think "why is this happening?" or "for what possible reason has something occurred?"

Today is World Aids Day and before you all start rolling your eyes and you let out a heavy sigh, don't worry, I'm not about to get on my soap box, I just want to say that everybody who is close to me has in some way been directly or indirectly affected by HIV/Aids throughout the years. I, myself have been affected by it directly. And right at this very moment I am feeling thankful, relieved and above all happy that I and my friends are alive. We were all "out and proud" in the hey day of HIV. We all lived the hedonistic life and thankfully, and above all luckily we are all still here to talk about it. To talk about and to still live the fun times and to reminisce about the struggles and the sadness we have lived through. I think many Gay men would agree with me when I say that apart from our biological families, we also have our other family. Our friends who we have known and loved for many years. The family we had and needed when the real one couldn't quite understand us. I guess many of us, gay or straight have that "family".

Because it's World Aids Day, I just saw the "Grim Reaper" advertisement on TV. That commercial I had not seen in so many years and it still packs a punch. A very forceful punch and it still very much holds its own in todays fancy advertising world. I think it was possibly ahead of its time. Let's hope that there is never a need to relaunch that campaign again. But then again, maybe that campaign should never really have ended.

So thats it. Thats all I have to say tonight. I guess I have to throw a heavy one in every now and then. I don't want the blogging world to think of me as totally shallow. But I will say this, apart from the happiness and relief I mentioned, there is also a touch of melancholy in me tonight.....I guess for obvious reasons.....